The Baseball Tryouts/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW It's "the new red green show"! Now, here's the reason that god made worms slow -- your hero, my uncle, red green! (applause and cheering) thank you. Thank you -- appreciate it. (howling) (cheering and whistling) thank you very much. We got a great show for you. I gotta warm up my batting arms. Tonight is the tryout for the possum lodge men's baseball team. Baseball's a fantastic sport. It's america's favourite pastime. It was, before "the jerry springer" show. Harold, it's a game you can play your whole life. My hero is babe ruth. Fat, smoked cigars, ate like a pig, drank like a fish, and hit 50 home runs. You got four out of five covered. (audience laughing) no, harold, I'm sayin' if you're a natural, you can do it for a long time. I could be the next cal ripken jr. Call me "the iron man". How about the rust bucket? (audience laughing) you know, I find it odd that no one's invited me to try out. That surprises you, harold? I can throw, I can run -- I should be allowed to try out. Come on, you can try out as back-catcher. I don't have any pads. I know. (horns honking) (geese honking) (quacking) (red): You're lookin' at segments from this particular show, the main message being, don't even think about changing the channel. To make sense out of this programme, you gotta give it your undivided attention. Well, there's no joy in mudville, I can tell you. Just a bad-luck day. You'll do better next season. Can't believe I didn't make the team. Where did I go wrong? You were a tad slow against that fastball. He was swinging when the other team was coming off the field. (laughing) that was a really good attempt at a bunt. That wasn't a bunt attempt. I had cramps from the chili dogs and I just bent over to let the pressure off. When the ball hit the bat, I bunted and belched at the same time. I didn't hear it hit... The bunt, that is. It was a close call. Don't you think? Not at all. Your slide was more of a flop. I don't think going head-first is a good idea. You know, you shouldn't start sliding till you're half-way close to the bag. I tripped, harold, ok? You weren't doin' so great at catching -- I saw you! Your throws to the pitcher went into centre field. Don't worry. Looks like I'll sit in the stands with you this year. Oh, not with me. I made the team. What? Pardon me? They said they never saw anybody with a right arm like mine. They signed me up as the pitcher. (audience laughing) you made the team? I asked for $5 million over three years, with a $200,000 signing, but, you know... I settled for the free shoe laces. Uh... Well, uh... Good, good, very good. Uh, excellent. They've really lowered their standards since the league expanded. Yeah, oh, yeah. If they lowered them any more, maybe you would have got on. (laughing) (red): We're gonna have "adventures with bill", gonna do some go-karting... Somethin' about men and cars. I guess I should have gotten out of the kart. Bill's got the gas goin' and I should have gone with the self-serve. I'm gettin' soaked, bill. Gas all over everything. We're all set to go. Get the funnel out, bill. Yeah, might be some gas in there. Might want to dry that off. Don't just start 'er. Gotta dry that off. Don't just start it. Bill, it's not safe. Oh, it's fine? (bill): Ahhhhh! (red): ♪ ezekiel saw a wheel a-rolling ♪ ♪ way in the middle of the air ♪ ♪ ohhhhh ♪ ♪ I like to go out after dark ♪ ♪ and fire my gun just for a lark ♪ ♪ it's a hobby most other folks find strange ♪ ♪ but I like the mysterious thrill I got ♪ ♪ never knowing exactly what I shot ♪ ♪ except for that time ♪ ♪ I forgot to park my van out of range ♪ this is for the big one! Two hours of hydrotherapy at ernie's car wash! You have 30 seconds to get mr. Winston rothschild to say this word... Suicide. And go! All right, uh... Depression. (ringing bell) depression. Septic hole. Mmm... Sad. Empty septic hole. If you went down stinky peterson's outhouse, that's... ... Fifty bucks, plus tip. (laughing) what's that guy's name? Um... Umm... Kevorkian. Self-help. (laughing) um, hara kiri. Chicago cubs. Not the announcer. What announcer? Flying with buzz sherwood. Oh, suicide. (ringing bell) yes! (applause) bet you never thought you'd see me throwing out old record albums. Technology changes -- you gotta keep up with the times. I'm switchin' to that new audio system -- eight-tracks. I threw out the covers, not the albums. This week on "handyman corner", I'm gonna show you what you can do with your old records. Throwin' anything out because it's old and won't play is a dangerous precedent for anybody over 40. Instead, I'm gonna show you how you can turn music records into olympic records, and not just for discus. (glass breaking) jefferson airplane could really fly. Drill the centre out and you can use 'em for lifting weights. You slide them down the end of your bar and, actually, if you're really out of shape, you might want to start with the 45's. Then you just pick them up. (grunting) these are heavy when they're all together... Kind of like relatives. (grunting) must be some heavy metal in there. (grunting) boy, it's ironic, eh? The music that made your parents sick is gonna make you healthy. (grunting) oh, for gosh sakes. "james last and his orchestra." boy, we knew how to party. (grunting) seems a shame to be throwin' out good plastic when you could be using it to give your car a second chance and another 100,000 miles. I'll tell you, albums don't rust, no matter what neil young says. You want to make sure you're not burning up a collector's item. This could be worth a fair amount of money. "pat boone -- shake, shimmy and roll." no, we're safe. The best use of albums is on the roof. They're thick, they're waterproof, they're the same size, and best of all, you only need one nail. Look what I got here. Ed ames... Doris day, "easter a-go-go"... "sounds of rio '68"... "frampton live"... Man, there's enough of them around to re-do a subdivision. A roof like this is gonna last more than a few years. Might even break a record. When these wear out, flip 'em to the "b" side. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. "moms and dads"... "moby grape"... "the hollyridge strings do the beatles"... Wow, the soundtrack from "love story". Bernice must have bought that one. "accordion favourites"! That baby deserves an extra nail. Stay tuned -- whatever this is, we got lots more of it. I wanted to ask you guys about your friends. Have you noticed how they're startin' to look old? I know they're the same age as you, but you still have your youthful vitality, whereas they've started sagging, dragging, and saddle-bagging. (laughing) now, you're probably wondering if you should tell them that they look like death eating a cracker. You know, I wouldn't. Sure, you look terrific and you have some authority in that area, but you'll find that even your best friends, confronted with an ugly truth, can be ungrateful. They may mention your grey hair. It's not as grey as theirs and when you comb it over your bald spot, you look as young as anybody who combs it over their bald spot. Instead, compliment your friends on how good they look. I'm bettin' they'll do the same thing to you. Nobody needs to know that at least one of you is lying... Especially you. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. (applause) well, harold had his first baseball game. Man, that was hard to watch. ♪ na-na, na-na-na-na ♪ ♪ hey-y-y-y ♪ ♪ good riddance ♪ (audience laughing) nice game, harold. Yeah, I felt comfortable out there today! I had the good stuff, huh? I had real movement on the fastball and I was gettin' the breaking-ball over. Even when I was behind in the count... Ahhh! I never had a no-hitter before. I never had one. Not technically a no-hitter, harold. You beaned four guys. No, no, no, that was the manager's fault. He sent me in without my glasses. Wasn't easy on me, either. I wasted five of my best pitches throwing to the shortstop. Well, harold, you know, I gotta-- you won-- I gotta hand it-- good, that was good. Well done, that's good. Nothing wrong with that -- that's good. (audience laughing) do you miss not playing? Not at all, harold. I wouldn't have time to play baseball. I was out of my mind. I won't have time to come to games to even watch. No, I don't think so. Ok, I'll tell the guy not to make as many hot dogs. We'll probably get more families showing up with you not being there, using all that trash-talk and throwing wrappers on the field. I can do that anywhere. True. Just remember, now. If anybody calls you a no-good bum, don't forget... I told you first. (laughing) you can see, in those terms, why, to women, movies have to have more than guys machine-gunning each other. Ok, who else would like to share with the group? Oh, buzz! Hi, I'm buzz, and I'm a man. (all): Hi, buzz! I think I had a breakthrough last night. I was sitting at home, watching television. The swamp buggy races were on. I was mindin' my own business and she comes home. I know right away something's wrong 'cause she's sighing and she's stomping. You know, the stomp-stomp-stomp... (sighing) stomp-stomp-stomp-stomp... (sighing) so, eventually, I sat up, I muted the t.V., and I said, "what?" (red): Yeah. (harold): Very good! All right! So then she starts unloading on me about her family and her sister's so-called dancing career, right? I'm thinkin', "I gotta book some talent "'cause we've got a hockey banquet comin' up!" (audience laughing) and then I realized, you know? While they're talking to you, you can be thinking about other stuff! They don't know! So she's talkin' and I'm thinkin', "I gotta fill those holes on the plane." then I played the entire first side of "led zeppelin 3". I'm sittin' on the couch and I'm noddin' my head. She thinks I'm agreeing with her but I'm not! I'm jammin' with jimmy on "the immigrant song"! (imitating rock music) ♪ ahhhhhh ♪ (imitating rock music) hey, hey, hey! Yeah, yeah, hey, hey! (laughing and applause) so she's done all this talking, right? She feels better, and I've figured out how to re-wire the basement. I've remembered where my baseball glove was, and I named all the bradys. Bobby -- that's the one we couldn't remember. So I can hardly wait till she wants to talk again. Then I'll get my best thinking done! Thank you. Thank you, buzz. (red): Well, hang on to your testosterone. Today on "adventures with bill", we're going go-karting. I don't think you ever outgrow that. We're making it safer. We got the truck tires. We needed a few more tires. These are smaller but they'll work fine, bill. We needed four more. Where did you get these, bill? Where did you get these? Where did you get these tires? Ohhhh! Great. No, that's great. We thought we'd make it a race... Something about us guys who like competition. Bill's waving the green flag. I might as well go. A little advantage -- what the heck, eh? He's got the faster kart -- that's only fair. Your mind goes back to when you were a kid on the sidewalk on your big wheel, runnin' over small animals. I'm way ahead, there. I go into the hairpin turn. Bill sort of goes into the hairpin turn but he turns it into a bobby-pin turn... Look at that -- that's not... Bill, that's not acceptable. For me, it explained that we can lift some rules on this. If I want to go one way, if I want to knock him another way, if I want to do whatever I have to do... It's not if you win or you lose... It's if you win! Oh, there you go. All right, he's catching up again. Hey, how about a little more of the same? Eh, bill? Huh? It's not dangerous, by golly -- these cars never flip over. You got those tires, some nice tires to protect you. Look out, now, bill. Be careful, young fella. By gosh, he's losing control -- what a shame. I'm doing well now -- hang on, bill! You're gonna-- you may hit this wall. Yeah, don't think I'll see much of him. Boy, he looks tired. All right! If that's how you want to play... Up to the finish line. The race isn't over till the fat guy waves the flag. Not yet -- there's your winner! There's your winner. That makes you a loser, bill. Why don't you prove it? Perfect! Here's a nifty red green "bored" game sent to us by our pal, chucky morgan. Thanks, chucky. Sorry, harold. It's ok! You all right? Good news -- they need you back on the baseball team! Really, harold? Really? You didn't beg them to get me on? No... No, not really. I don't want you begging on my behalf. You'll need all your begging for your own purposes. No, there was an injury. I suggested you and they said, "he's a natural." all right, well, I may have lost a step or two. If you use me right, eh? We're gonna! All right, designated hitter, maybe? Nothing like that, but come on! Your uniform's in the van! First base? No! No! Second base? Noooo! Shortstop? No, no, no! Right field? No! I'm on the field? Ok, yeah! Ok! Welcome to the expert portion, where we examine those three little words that men find so difficult to say. (audience): "I don't know!" ♪ ahhhh ♪ joining my uncle red on the expert portion is his best friend-- oh, ok -- instead, it's mr. Arnie dogan! (applause) all righty-roosky! Today's letter goes as follows. "dear experts, my mother is an exotic dancer, "as is my grandmother and my aunts. "there's pressure on me to become an exotic dancer "and carry on the family business. "I'm not sure I want to -- signed, bob." (laughing) all right, uh... Bob. I haven't seen a picture of you, nor do I want to. But, uh... I would advise you to abstain from exotic dancing as hard as you can. I would advise you get into folk-dancing or tap-dancing or... I'm even thinking nuclear medicine at this point. If you don't mind me saying, I think there's a lot to be said for going into the family business. My grandpa started dogan and sons roofing, and my dad works there and so do I. I hope maybe someday, my son will, too. I didn't know you had a son. Not yet -- one day, hopefully. After the cast comes off, the doctors will tell me if I still have a chance of having children. Jeez! More than I needed to know. Can't believe this, arnie. You've had more injuries than a roller derby rap party. And, uh... You're still advising people to get into a family business. There's a lot of pluses, red. By being family, we share a lot. You know, uh... Same attitude, same work habits, same rare blood type -- that's come in handy. You get to know the people. The roofing suppliers, the tradesmen, the ambulance drivers... It's like they all become part of the family. You're not one to talk, uncle red. You brought me into the family business. You on his side or my side? You know, you really need a country song to describe how you feel. No, you don't! I think you do. Here's one that I wrote while a team of doctors were trying to remove parts of a chinese elm from my large intestine. (audience laughing) why does he do that? It will be a high one. (audience laughing) ♪ my daddy was a roofer ♪ ♪ just like his daddy was ♪ ♪ and I'm a roofer too ♪ same as my daddy, but taller. ♪ we work all day together on the roof ♪ ♪ roofing all the day ♪ ♪ it's hard work ♪ ♪ and it doesn't pay worth a damn ♪ ♪ but my daddy could never ♪ ♪ fire me ♪ ♪ because my mom-m-m-m-m ♪ ♪ would kill him ♪ (applause) I have never been so humiliated in all my life! Uncle red, come in and tell them what you did! You go ahead, harold. You wrap up the show. No, I don't think so! Come out and tell them what you did! (laughing and cheering) tell 'em. (applause and cheering) tell them what you did! I don't feel like it. You want me to tell them? All right, well... Being the mascot was the last thing on my mind so I didn't start off in a great mood. I get you on the team and this is the thanks I get. The other mascot started it. You heard what he called you? You call me that! I'm family, all right? I was defending the team's honour. I didn't realize it was a papier mache head. Think of the message you're sending to those young fans out there. A giant bear and a parrot, leg-wrestling at the pitcher's mound! It was the players' idea to join in! Well, it doesn't matter because the season's over. Not until doctors remove the baseball from buster hadfield. No, I mean me -- it's all over, anyway. It's all violence and animals fighting... I got scared -- I don't want to play. If it means anything, as far as I'm concerned, you're a real babe ruth. Awwww! Thank you. I mean the chocolate bar, harold. You're soft and gooey and half-nuts. (possum squeal) meeting time. (laughing) you go ahead, harold -- I'll be down in a minute. (laughing) if my wife is watching, I'm coming straight home after the meeting. I'm thinking maybe it's time for me to put away my cleats... And your pyjamas. Hey, I'm not giving up all contact sports! The rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and old harold and the gang, keep your stick on the ice. (applause and cheering) (possum squeal) (red): All right. (harold): All rise! All rise! (red): All right. (all): Quando omni flunkus, moritati. (red): Sit down -- harold, you got, uh... (harold): The branigan food drive went well. They say thanks for the supplies. Although they realize their kids are brats, they didn't think the paint chips and salsa was a good idea. To join possum lodge oro get ssum lodge merchandise, call... Or check out harold's home page on the internet. Closed captions premier subtitling inc. Boy, this is too much!